


honey & glass, like sticky sweet ash (and you can't get the taste off your tongue)

by crushedpetals



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: 2020 really said ur gonna revert into a middle schooler and cry about yullen A Lot and i said..ok 🥺, Canon Compliant until it's not?, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, There will be fluff, does this count as a slow burn, frenemies to lovers, i don't know where i'm going but i'm gay, yullen rights 2020
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:48:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26586886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crushedpetals/pseuds/crushedpetals
Summary: In light of not being as dead as he had previously expected to be, Kanda now has several problems.To become a series of loosely connective Yullen one-shots.
Relationships: Kanda Yuu/Allen Walker
Comments: 3
Kudos: 28





	honey & glass, like sticky sweet ash (and you can't get the taste off your tongue)

**Author's Note:**

> hi, this is my first fanfic ever so please be gentle with me lol

In light of not being as dead as he had previously expected to be, Kanda now has several problems.

Problem one, no Mugen. Problem two, he was in a dirt pit in no mans land and again with the whole not dead thing, his next destination was in England. Problem three, he needed to save Allen Walker or kill the Fourteenth since this awaking him business was unfortunately, mildly His Fault. With the stabbing and all.  
Problem Four, he did not know how to do that. Save Allen Walker, that is. But Kanda knows he has to. After what he did for Alma and him, even though...Kanda would be the reason he loses. He still saved them anyways. Set them free. 

He doesn’t feel like he deserved it.

Not that the beansprout would care about something like that. Allen had once said to him that he was moved by what was in front of him, instead of big picture stuff.  
Because he’s a fucking tender hearted, idiot martyr, who can’t mind his own fucking business and even though he really would have rather died then admit it. He is going to have to thank him for doing it anyways.

so, Kanda needs to have some words with him. If he was even still himself, that is. But that brat was stubborn as hell so it’s probably fine for now. 

—

The staff at the clinic on the outskirts of Mater recognize him quickly. Turns out they didn’t treat scientific anomalies that healed at abnormal rates very often, go figure.

—

The long trip was good actually, gave him time to think, process? Whatever you want to call the kind peace you get when everyone you know thinks you’re dead, and you’re thousands of miles away from the fallout.

Kanda follows a well-worn path alongside the train tracks. He’ll either find the station first, or just catch the next train that passes. Not much different then the way they’d always done it at the Order before.

After using the ark’s gates so much in the past year, traveling between missions had been so much faster. He hadn’t realized how much he missed the subdued pace. 

Just the sounds of his boots crunching against the gravel, and rustle of wind through the trees.

The illusionary flowers have even rescinded enough that they almost seem to meld into the already heavy floral meadow. There are a lot of flowers in the countryside, apparently.

He stops to take a bit more time to appreciate the scenery before him. Just feeling the breeze on his skin and fluttering through his hair. Just breathing.

Alma and that person, they would have liked it out here. He knows it. Kanda hopes there’s lots of flowers to enjoy whatever they are now too. Maybe they’ll even tell him all about the flowers they’ve seen, when it’s his turn to rest too. It’s a nice thought.

Kanda moves on. He has a lot of ground to cover if no trains come by today.

—

Kanda thought he’d feel more apprehension, maybe even anxiety, the closer he got to Headquarters. He certainly hasn’t forgiven them. Fuck no, not even in his second death will he ever forgive them.

But he’s not as revolted by the idea of returning as he’d thought.

Maybe it’s because it's different this time. That it’s his choice, as Kanda Yu, to become an exorcist this time. Not because it was what was expected of his duty to God or whatever the scientists had said to him upon awakening.

He’s taking a page out of Walker’s book and being moved by what’s in front of him. Becoming a destroyer who saves, even. Gross.

Because Kanda can't become another tragedy in a long line of others that have taken a piece of Allen Walker’s endlessly generous heart and destroyed it.

His life's mission to find that person is done. Alma and that person. He’d love them forever, as he promised. But that part of his restless soul had finally been laid to rest. 

Now his new mission is to save Allen. 

The one who had bore witness to all that he was, and still saw it fit to grant him salvation.

—

Kanda realizes, a bit belatedly, as he holds Mugen’s newly evolved form in his hands. He had been searching for someone the last time he’d summoned his innocence too. What a cruel irony.

—

“So, you’re really going to go after him?” Marie asked, even though it’s not like he really needed Kanda to answer to confirm it. Kanda didn’t exactly have a knack for subtlety. He had made his intentions clear as soon as he found him and Lenalee in Provence, demanding to know the whereabouts of his sword and the beansprout.

“I have to. I owe him that much.” If he didn’t find Allen, dying peacefully wouldn’t be an option. The regret would surely eat him alive.

“Allen would never think of it that way, that’s just how he is. And you know that.” Marie is smiling when he says it, but his face still looks grim. And Kanda can’t help but wish people would stop doing that. Just don’t smile if you’re unhappy, it seemed simple enough to him.

Kanda tightens his grasp on Mugen, his next words coming out harsh and hissing. Like a snake rearing to strike. “Well, who cares what the fuck that idiot thinks anyways.” 

Marie raises an eyebrow, as if to say, “you obviously do.”  
But he’s known Kanda long enough to know that's not a smart idea, so he wisely doesn’t say anything. Even if he probably could’ve gotten away with it.

—

“You won’t be able to call us for back up anymore.” Lenalee says. 

He knows she’s sad he’ll be gone again soon. Another piece of her little world slipping away as suddenly as it had returned to her.

She looks up at him, her eyes are shiny but she doesn’t cry. She stands straight and tall, with her chin held high. “So, be more careful this time, or else.” 

He can’t promise her anything. They’re both well aware of the risk he’s taking, that he’ll likely be branded a traitor as soon as the Order catches wind of his involvement with Walker.

He nods nonetheless, nobody liked disappointing Lenalee.

“And don’t be too mean to Allen when you see him again, ok?”

“I’ll be as mean as I need to be.” Kanda states in a deliberately flat tone, to avoid sounding petulant. Though it doesn’t fool her one bit.

Lenalee huffs an exaggerated sigh and tries very hard to genuinely glare at him but the illusion is broken by the amused twitch of her mouth as she fights a smile.

Lenalee is a strong woman, always has been. Kanda knows she’s going to be just fine. 

He’s just as proud of her as she is of him.

—

Around the twenty-seventh bar without success, Johnny begins to lag behind though he stills seems to practically deflate when they officially make the call to end the search for the night. The only reason Kanda relents to stopping is because those science division dweebs are basically useless when exhausted anyways. 

Kanda hangs back while Johnny asks for directions. Prefering to lean against a wall as the scientist makes nice with strangers. 

That’s when he happens to glance into the bar across from him. In it’s dim windows he catches sight of a well-worn flag like tapestry hanging above the bottles lined against the wall. The rose cross, the same insignia embroidered onto the breast of his coat. After working under the Black Order for nearly a decade, Kanda had become somewhat familiar in how to spot supporters of the organization. There were dozens of small things that one can do to subtly indicate their loyalty.

Kanda is surprised to see it but immediately intrigued.

So, Kanda grabs the back of Johnny's jacket collar and drags him along into the establishment.

When they hear the chime ringing from above the door, the barkeep glances up. The brown of their eyes reflect the light of a candle sitting on the bar in front of them, making them appear gold. Only for just a moment.

But it still puts Kanda on edge. Hm, that’s probably an overreaction. Another problem for him to deal with at some point. 

They smile, “Sorry, gentlemen, I’m about to close up for the..” They begin to say until they catch sight of the emblems across the front of Kanda’s uniform jacket. “Oh, it’s been a while since I’ve seen any exorcists around here. What can I do for you, sir?”

It’s all a stroke of dumb luck. Well, if it can still even be called luck anymore when the information gained was basically useless. The barkeep did recognize the photo of the beansprout Johnny showed them. Through it had been years since that bastard Cross Marian had dragged him though here.

Their disappointment. Well, Johnny’s disappointment, obviously. Must have been physically visible. Since they become very apologetic that they had no recent information on Walker. 

Instead, as if in consolation, They offer them a drink, and to hear a funny story about that strange little boy they had met all those years ago.

And honestly, Kanda’s not going to turn down a free drink at this point. This search is already a fucking drag. Not like Johnny can or will stop him. He may be older than Kanda, but he knows who’d win that argument. They’d been about to find an inn anyways. 

So, the two decide to stick around to hear the story.

It starts like this. 

The masked priest had left the kid there, giving a vague excuse of taking care of business in the area and disappearing out the door before they could’ve argued back. This wasn’t a place for a baby. They had just started working there, and didn’t want to get in trouble but what they were supposed to do? Throw the kid outside with no supervision? No way! 

“He was like ten, when he was here last.” Kanda said, raising an eyebrow at them.

Timothy was about that age too, right? And he’s an exorcist now. Kanda himself has been an exorcist nearly a decade and this body is only nineteen now. He doesn’t understand why they’re making such a big deal of the beansprout being unsupervised. 

“Yes, a baby.” They insisted while nodding. Then continuing their story seeming unperturbed by his interruption.

So, they watched him. The strange kid was quiet, incredibly proper and raised no fuss. He simply sat and observed his surroundings, patting the equally strange golden toy sitting on his lap.

Once they had gotten caught up in a late afternoon rush of customers, it had been easy to forget he was even there at all. That was until some unsavory sort of men began causing a bit of scene, over the decided winnings of the poker match they’d be playing. Things had begun getting tense and everyone had been certain an ugly fight was about to unfold. The keep had been trying to keep the situation from further escalation, which seemed to catch the child’s attention far more than anything had in a few hours.

So, he had climbed down from his seat on the bar stool and wandered over to where they had been trying to calm the ruckus. 

Then, ever polite, challenges the men to a game of poker. 

If he won, they had to leave with no fuss and leave all the money they’d started the commotion for. If they won, his master would pay them double what they’d been playing for when he returned.

Kanda and Johnny are very certain Allen had been bluffing on his part of the deal. Cross Marian, pay double? Unlikely.

Also Kanda is possibly reconsidering his stance. Ok, so maybe he did need more supervision. What the fuck, kid? Was he trying to get maimed? 

The barkeep couldn’t recall exactly how it had all gone down, because honestly, they had been a bit too overwhelmed with the situation. There must have been some further needling to get the men to raise to the bait of playing against a ten year old. 

And it did not end well for those men. Allen decimated them. Absolutely slaughtered them in front of their peers, while smiling sweetly the whole time.

It was already embarrassing enough for these men, that someone that was barely four feet off the fucking ground had just wiped the floor with them. So, what were they gonna do, accuse a baby of cheating? With all these witnesses? Not a chance.

With the little pride they had left, mutually threw the cash on the table and stalked out in a quiet but obvious rage. 

Then the kid neatly gathered the cash, counted it and tucked it into his pocket. He returned to his previous stool and continued to patiently wait for his master’s return.

And when said master had returned. The kid simply pulled the thick wad of cash out of his little coat pocket and handed it to the masked man. 

“I played some poker while I waited for you.”

“Shit, kid. You sure did.” Visible eye widening as he counted through the bills.

The boy had simply shrugged, nose scrunched up in mild disgust. “They were being rude.”

Kanda is trying not to show his amusement. He’s well acquainted with the expression the barkeeper described on the beansprout’s face.

Surprising all of them, the General had slipped the barkeep a few bills for their trouble. Probably because it wasn’t his money.  
And thus, him and the kid left. The last thing they remember is the two had been discussing dinner as they had left. The kid had argued, since he had earned the money, he should rightfully get to choose what they ate with it. Then, that had been the end of it. 

The story reminds Kanda of a similar one. Back when Krory had first joined as an exorcist. Lavi had insisted on telling him about how after some shady men pulled a fast one on the clueless pseudo-vampire in a game of cards. And so, Allen methodically and ruthlessly destroyed each of them at poker in return. Leaving them with nothing but their underwear. “And sure, he did give the clothes back, he’s such a good kid, but it’s about the message he sent, Yu-chan!”

It’s a funnier story than Kanda had previously given Lavi credit for.

As they leave and head towards the inn, Johnny seems to have bounced back into a somewhat energetic mood after their conversation with the barkeep. Which is good, he really didn’t want to deal with the scientist crying again.

Kanda, on the other hand. Well.

He’s familiar with an ache like this in his chest. As if the heart itself was bruised. But, the cause of it was new, and getting uncomfortably more frequent.

This could, potentially, be another problem. The best course of action Kanda decides, is to ignore that possibility as hard as possible.

—

Kanda was used to having nightmares, of being haunted by memories of his past. He is used to reaching out for a person just beyond his grasp. 

But these nightmares are new and he’s definitely not used to them.

He’s back at that orphanage in Paris, always right when Allen’s sword had pinned it’s owner and the Level Four to the wall. Kanda disposes of Akuma, and when he looks up and connects eyes with Allen.  
The Fourteenth will be staring back, instead. 

Then he wakes up, sweaty and nauseated. 

Regret is familiar. It’s a weight on Kanda’s chest that has followed him from one life into the next. 

Guilt was different.

What did a scientific abomination like a Second Exorcist need guilt for? He had never wanted to hurt Alma but it had been necessary. He had always regretted, but never felt like it had been his fault. It was the Order that had doomed them both from the start. 

It’s not like Kanda had wanted to hurt Allen, either. Or anyone of the few people in the Order he could maybe on a good day admit to tolerating. Like, Marie and Lenalee. 

He’d also known that at the time, he truly hadn’t cared enough to think about them in conjunction to his desire for the Order's downfall.  
And after all, Lenalee may love the people working alongside her but she still hated the Order. Marie almost became a Second Exorcist. There had always been a way to find justification for the destructive revenge he sought. 

He had felt no guilt.

Because more than anything else, he had wanted the Black Order to burn. Kanda had wanted to watch that hell forsaken place get leveled to the goddamn ground, then left to rot with the fucking worms just like corpses the organization had built itself upon.

But Allen Walker, now that was a different case. Wasn’t he always. 

Guilt festers hot and sluggish under his skin, when he thinks of Allen. The unnatural corpse like gray of his skin, and cold eyes of gold. A cruel mockery of the soulful silver irises of the body’s true owner. 

Which he was. The true owner, obviously.  
And he will continue to be. If Kanda had any say about it.  
Regardless of whatever the Earl, or General Cross said. He’s Allen Walker, an exorcist no matter what.

Kanda presses his palms over his face and groans. This is stupid, he needs to be sleeping right now. The packet of debts that Johnny compiled was hundreds of pages. They’ll be searching all over London by the looks of it, and he needs to be able to focus if they run into more Akuma. 

But when Kanda closes his eyes, all he can see is a Noah's eyes and skin, since he ignored the warning signs in Paris. 

He didn't fall asleep again that night. 

—

Through the spray of Akuma blood, Kanda sees a brilliant white cloak. Clown Crown.

It’s him. 

If he’s able to wield innocence, it must be Allen in control. It has to be.

Kanda’s heart throbs so hard it hurts, it feels like it may just try to escape from his chest. The pounding of his heart seems to sync with his head. It only serves to make the hangover worse. He really feels like he’s going to be sick.

He looks like a dumbass dressed up like that. And there was no way Kanda was going to let it go. Once they get a hold of Walker again, it’s all over for that clown.

—

The fact that it becomes an absolute shit show the minute they find Walker, isn’t surprising. Though, Kanda is annoyed and exhausted already. 

He’d definitely been too hungover for this.

—

“Why are you wearing an Order uniform? Why did you throw that freedom away?!” Walker had shouted at him, and now his words were left to ring in Kanda’s ears.

He had been free. But it hadn’t felt right. Not when he knew Allen would be imprisoned for it.

How did Kanda even convey to him that he was on his side?

How did the moron not know that already? Did he really think Kanda came back for the sake of the Order, the war? Like he’d be such a loyal lapdog to the organization that wished to extinguish them both. Not a chance in hell.

Fuck the Black Order, and the Fourteenth. And honestly, fuck their little holy war too. He really didn’t care at this point. Not like he’d even live long enough to see the end of it. 

Until one of them runs out of their limited time, Kanda would be on Allen’s side. 

Finding a way to tell the beansprout that, was just another problem he’d add to the unfortunately growing list.

**Author's Note:**

> anyways i listened to graveyard by halsey and had a lot of feelings about kanda,, now we're here.
> 
> credit to peyton cardoza (princess.pey.pey) on tiktok for the song i got the title from. :)


End file.
